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| Thursday, December 10th, 2009 | | 1:09 am |
And I Got What I Got All Despite You, and I Did What I Did Just to Spite You
Life is weird. I am living in a haze. Seriously. My mind has been foggy for the better part of the last several days. It's finals time and things are picking up momentum. I'm living in a world of oh yeahs. As in: Oh yeah, I have 4 videos that are supposed to be done this week. Oh yeah, I owe people money. Oh yeah, I was supposed to go get my blood tested to make sure these drugs aren't shutting down my liver. Oh yeah, I have manifesto due next week. I wish I could explain to you what it's like living in my head right now. Did you ever see Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? Well, it's nothing like that. Cause that was freaking horrifying. But I tell ya, it's weird. When I go to bed it just gets weirder. Strange perspectives that seem to come out of nowhere occupy my head and like a rude house guest refuse to leave despite my subtle hints of looking at my watch and saying "oh, wow, boy, it's getting late." Usually at some point during the night I have some sort of sleep paralysis experience and feel like I'm going to die, again. If I can't calm down sometimes I'll take pills, and then the fun increases. You know how people have psychosis and hear voices calling their name? Yup. Every once in a while somebody just says "Benjamin" and I roll over and groan and try to find something to distract me from the fact that I'm having auditory hallucinations. I have been unceasingly medicated for about 6 months now. Does it help? Yes. Does it screw with me? Also yes. Guess in that way it's like havin' a girlfriend. Speaking of which, there are few lower blows to the self esteem than realizing you're actually sitting with a therapist talking about why you never date anyone. Although, I must admit, I've actually discovered a thing or two about myself. Just from having an objective person ask me some questions. I mean that's it. You know what these people make per hour? A lot. Just to ask you some questions and let you slowly realize what you an idiot you are. Welp, guess I'll bring this caffeine fueled rant to a close now. Sorry. I've been cooped up in my room by myself working on a project all day and I guess I just had a little too much me time and needed to get some thoughts out. Have a good finals time, all the everybody. | | Sunday, November 15th, 2009 | | 10:26 pm |
I Am The Watch You Always Wear, But You Forget to Wind
I don't feel right tonight. I really really don't. I've been okay lately. There are the usual stresses but I've been handling it with some level of grace. Tonight...no. I was fine all day. And now I feel like the world has crashed down on me. I called a friend last night because I was having an extreme episode of delirium and I needed somebody to talk me down. Unfortunately I woke her up and she was making less sense than I was.
I wish I could think less.
Cause that's what everybody else seems to be doing.
And it's working out great for them. | | Sunday, October 18th, 2009 | | 1:13 pm |
In a Town Full of Rubber Plans to Get Rid of Itself
She lives with a broken man A cracked polystyrene man Who just crumbles and burns He used to do surgery For girls in the eighties But gravity always wins And it wears him out, it wears him out. It wears him out, it wears . . . She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My fake plastic love. But I can't help the feeling I could blow through the ceiling If I just turn and run. And it wears me out, it wears me out. It wears me out, it wears me out. And if I could be who you wanted If I could be who you wanted All the time, all the time. | | Friday, October 9th, 2009 | | 2:41 pm |
| | Saturday, August 22nd, 2009 | | 4:58 pm |
| | Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 | | 1:57 pm |
Somebody's Eyes
Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Do you ever get the feeling nobody is paying any attention to you? Do you ever get these feelings simultaniously? That's right. I just blew your mind. I'm house sitting and its very strange being alone all day. I thought I had stuff to say on here but I guess I don't. That tends to happen to me a lot. | | Friday, July 24th, 2009 | | 5:20 pm |
When I Said I Hate What I've Become, I Lied, I Hated Who I Was
Further observations on my unbalanced brain: Lately I've felt really bad about things I have no reason to feel bad about. While other things, that I probably SHOULD feel bad about, slip right by me. Sense make? Nope. Today is a great day. Why can't I relax? | | Thursday, July 16th, 2009 | | 1:00 pm |
I Dreamed a Dream in Times Gone By
Little piece of advice: No matter how distressed or sleep deprived you are, never mix sedative medications. I woke up at noon this morning and saw a skeleton in my closet telling me how much he liked Greek food. Man I am just all over the place lately. Literally and metaphorically. Things are changing. For better or for worse I really don't know. But things are definitely changing. | | Wednesday, July 8th, 2009 | | 4:01 pm |
I Hear In My Mind
Last couple of days I've hit a fairly bad slump. Luckily, today happened to be my follow up with the doctor. He changed my medication to something that was more of an antidepressant than just an anti-anxiety pill. Hopefully that'll pick me back up. Last night I went to a friends house while on Xanex and did nothing but sleep until this morning. Slightly embarrassing. Xanex does funny things to me. Last night while I was at said house I heard some people talking upstairs and I thought I heard my own voice. I got thoroughly confused as I tried to figure out how I was upstairs. It kinda seemed cool though. I wish I had another me who could go do things while I napped on a couch. That sounds awesome. | | Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 | | 6:22 am |
Mambo Italiano
This trip has done something bizzare to my sleep pattern. I'm constantly tired but I can never sleep for more than 5 hours at a time. I wake up around 4:00, my body feeling exhausted but completely unable to go back to sleep. Then a few hours go by and I'm drowsy again. So weird. The trip itself was incredible. Absolutely indescribably cool. I unfortunately did have a couple of panic attacks while I was out there, but I was surrounded by very supportive people who helped me through. My antidepressants are so helpful. I should have been on them so long ago. My mood does tend to swing a bit lately. But I'm getting used to keeping it under control. | | Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 | | 10:14 pm |
When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie
I leave for Italy in about 11 hours. Or rather, that's when I leave for Chicago. Then about 5 hours after that I leave for Italy. I have no idea what to expect. I'm just hoping I can avoid any panic attacks while I'm there. Travel can be stressful and I have a very low threshold for stress right now. But that's alright. It's gonna be an adventure. And hopefully, a blast. I'm extremely tired right now but I can't go to sleep because I have to finish this project up for a client before I leave. Boo. Oh well. That's what ridiculously long plane rides are for. I am glad to go on this trip. I just kinda wish I had another week to prepare myself. I feel like my brain reached a breaking point, crashed, and is now kind of...rebooting. And I don't feel like it's quite finished with that yet. I thought it was, until I went back to school today to practice some of the choir stuff we'll be doing. Just being at that school filled me with worry. I was just there to rehearse some songs but I felt the pressure of a thousand imaginary uncompleted tasks pressing down on me. I walked right out of rehearsal and it took me a good hour to get the nerve to go back in. All I could think was "I've gotta get out of here." My brain was like a stubborn child refusing to behave in preschool cause he wanted to go home. I am not one to walk away from a responsibility. I am wracked with guilt when I fail to do something expected of me. But today some defense mechanism in my mind finally just said NO to all of it.And while I felt a tinge of embarrassment at my peers witnessing me being afraid of a choir rehearsal, I felt no guilt for skipping out. Even though I know how important this rehearsal was. I was just. Done. It was an interesting experience. I'm fascinated with the mind in general so if nothing else I've found studying myself through this ordeal somewhat interesting. Anyway. On to Italy. On to adventure! Everyone be sure to send me a postcard! | | Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | | 6:39 pm |
Panic Panic Red Alert
Um. I lost 5 pounds last week? What? I didn't even try. I guess panic attacks are just as good as running as far as your cardiovascular system is concerned. | | Saturday, June 20th, 2009 | | 1:32 am |
Happy Birthday
Still gettin there. Its been kinda two steps forward one step back but at least overall I'm making progress. Today was a very good day. Best I've had in over a week. When you've had an average week that's not saying much, but when you feel like you've been through hell, that's saying quite a lot. I left my house for the first time in 3 days today. I went to a crowded place and only had one relatively minor moment of anxiety. Very good sign. It's funny all the things I never thought I'd appreciate. Like the ability to solve a simple problem, or even just the ability to feel moments of joy. It fascinates me now how things that are ordinarily so much fun can be empty and terrible when your brain isn't processing right. The thought of going to Italy is still making me a bit nervous. But, one day at a time I guess. I had a few bad moments today. Moments when I felt the hopelessness and fear creep back up to me. But I also had moments when I made jokes and laughed. Hard. Without a feeling of unease underneath. I would say on an average day I probably crack about a hundred stupid jokes. But today, those stupid jokes put me on top of the world. Thanks for all the prayers and support. | | Wednesday, June 17th, 2009 | | 2:58 pm |
Starting to feel better now. I know most of you probably aren't terribly interested in all this, but right now writing it out feels somewhat theraputic. I'm not out of the woods yet; I still get overly anxious about small things and I'm on a pretty steady regiment of Xanex which makes me groggy. Any kind of work still feels a bit overwhelming but I'm pacing myself. I went out to a movie last night with Derrick, Kemily and Brooke. I'm not gonna lie, I felt fairly uncomfortable for most of it, trying to keep my anxiety in check, but it still helped a lot. Thanks, guys. Its a very odd feeling being overwhelmed by every day tasks. Imagine, for example, if doing laundry scared the hell out of you. That's kind of where I am right now. I don't think I'll be able to finish a certain project for a friend in the time I said I would but I'd say a nervous breakdown is a pretty legit reason to be late on a deadline. I'm supposed to leave for Italy next Wednesday. I'm very fearful that I somehow won't be able to make it, or won't be able to enjoy it. But I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I've been on some sort of daily dose of antidepressent (currently Paxil) since Saturday. For a while there I had almost constant suicidal thoughts. I came to find out that this is pretty common in the first few days of medication, so I don't know if it was the medicine or the state I was in or both, but wow it was frightening. Hands down the worst thing I've ever experienced. Anxiety, depression, and panic attacks run in my family. In fact, I'm the last person in my family to be put on some kind of psychiatric medication, so I s'pose it was always just a matter of time. Why this struck now I can't really say. The doctor's best guess was that my brain basically let loose the floodgates of all the stress I managed to suppress during the school year. Whatevers going on and whatever happens from here, I want you all to know how much I appreciate your support. I love you all and I ask you to stick with me as I see this through, cause I'm pretty sure I can't do it on my own. Ben | | Sunday, June 14th, 2009 | | 7:49 pm |
Help
I'm having some sort of nervous breakdown. It's been going on for a few days now and its getting worse. This sort of thing seems to run in the family. It's like living in a nightmare. I feel scared, tense, nervous and guilty, constantly and for no good reason. I get nervous when it gets dark outside. I'm scared to leave the house, or do much of anything at all. Even the fact that I'm surfing the web right now is a big step up. Pray for me. I need out of this. | | Thursday, June 4th, 2009 | | 1:40 am |
Welcome to Paradise
It hit me today how tired I am of dieting. It also hit me how long I've actually stuck with it. My goal was to lose 20 lbs by my trip to Italy. Well, I've got about 3 weeks to go and only 3 lbs left to lose. I think I'm actually going to surpass it. Horray! I've spent my entire day in this house. With the exception of Collin coming over completely randomly with Dani and taking me on a short drive to nowhere. I need a movie to watch as I go to bed. I don't have anything I haven't seen. I don't own a lot of movies because there aren't a lot of movies I like to see a bunch of times. I figure there are so many different movies out there to discover, why watch the same ones over and over? | | Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009 | | 1:35 am |
Once There Was a Way To Get Back Homeward
today has been a long series of disappointments
I woke up this morning ready to take on the world.
I'm going to bed feeling like I'm wasting my time even trying.
Seriously, is it ever really going to change?
| | Thursday, May 28th, 2009 | | 1:41 am |
And It Scares the Hell Out Of Me
Can't sleep. Feel anxious. Skipped daily exercise today. Don't think that helped. At school there was always someone awake, always someone available (although usually I was too exhausted to care). Nights can be pretty empty here at home. I've discovered that I absolutely can't deal with silence anymore. Not at night. I'm gonna go start in on "Benjamin Button" Sometimes I like to watch movies over a few days in little bits. Like reading chapters of a book. | | Sunday, May 3rd, 2009 | | 2:25 pm |
| | Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009 | | 11:58 pm |
Giving Up Never Felt So Good, Welcome To Plan B
Yanno how throughout your day you kinda fantasize about things? How you'd like something to go, what you'd like someone to do, etc. etc. Career aspirations, passions of the heart, and so on. Well lately I've found that my ultimate fantasy The thing that I keep going back to in my mind when I don't feel content (which is most of the time) Is just to have a day where I do nothing but drift in and out of consciousness watching TV. Seriously. Right now if you offered me that or a weekend trip to a tropical island, I'd probably go with the sleep thing. |
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